01 January 2023 - Resolutions

 Happy New Year

I am generally not a person who makes New Year's resolutions, but this year is different.

Here are my resolutions, for 2023:

• I will not allow other people to tell me how I feel.
• I will try to enjoy my life on a daily basis, regardless of other people's projections.
• I will not allow my time to be dictated by other people.
• I will not be stood up, again, during a series of holidays, and then continue to refer to that person who stood me up as my "significant other" or my "boyfriend".
• I will try my very hardest not to lean too hard into empathy; other people can smell it.

I will not make stupid, fucking lists like this, because I have better things to do with my life than think about other people and how they want to rule over others.

It's like a peanut butter waffle for breakfast.

 - Imagine that your significant other is making you breakfast.  Eggos, let's say, with butter and peanut butter.  Let's say that you are deathly allergic to peanut butter, but your significant other insists that peanut butter is a good source of protein (let's remember that these words are a rambling analogy) so your significant other insists on putting the peanut butter on your food and forcing you to eat it.  For your own good.

It's called ...poisoning, at that point.

Get your fucking toxic, smothering, sappy peanut butter off the breakfast of my life, you know?

I don't remember codifying; I don't remember a ring.

I remember veiled promises, after your broken human shell came after mine.

And then you gutted me, and I became a shell.  (And you hate me for being a shell, but you like that you have emptied me.)

Empty.  Alone,  Again.

The very things I told you which scare me the most are all the things you scientifically and systematically use against me.  Gaslighting.  

Remember?  The thing you hate the most?

You do it.  All the time.  

Because you are right.  All the time.  Like, every time.  No matter what.  No matter how wrong you are.  No matter how many times you tell ME how I feel.  And you're wrong, because you aren't me.  And you don't speak for me.

I welcome the new year, because I can see the past and the progression into a future which I choose.  

No one else chooses for me.