Fuck Kony

I have been wanting … expecting … to die early my whole life. What is this bullshit that is keeping me alive?! I have done almost everything in my power (passive-aggressively) to kill myself since I was 16-years-old, and somehow I am still alive. To what end? Am I supposed to help during the zombie apocalypse? Because I’m pretty sure I’d be a huge waste of resources, considering that I would simply find a liquor store, drink myself into a stupor, and then wander into the zombies.

It’s ridiculous that a vagrant, discombobulated, narcissistic, selfish person like myself didn’t die of either an overdose, a car accident, or a school shooting by now. Thus, my life premise is that life is fucking RANDOM. So many more people are better people than me – as shown through their selfless service to others, survival of disease, and/or general positive attitude – and yet I am the asshole who is still alive. Not only does that defy logic, it sort of disproves that whole god-dilemma, because I should have been sucked into the vortex of hell a long time ago. Or something. Simply the fact that I was driving past St Columbkille today bitching to myself about traffic and caught myself saying the phrase “Jesus fucking Christ” seems to indicate that I’m a bad apple.

God, if you’re up there, just take me. Or spite me. Or strike me down with lightening or something, because this life is getting pretty fucking useless and petty if you ask me. When useless, pretentious, self-absorbed, self-important hipsters come to my place of work and talk about saving Ugandan children, I want to throw up. I want to shout, “where does all your money go?” I want to demand, “what will happen to all those ‘invisible children” when they have no one to follow, no family, and no future? The point is that the Invisible Children organization doesn’t give a flying fuck; they just want to make a name for themselves, and the hipsters want another blip on their application to grad school. Fuck them. Find a troubled child in America and make a difference rather than pretending that Joseph Kony is still relevant. If the world wanted Kony dead, he’d be dead. A single bullet to the head, just like bin Laden and the Somali pirates. Bottom Line: nobody really cares about starving, homeless African children, because if they DID, we would have intervened twenty years ago when Kony started spewing his misplaced messianic message. He’s a fucking loser who needs to be killed. Stop making posters and send in a hit man. Get it over with, you Invisible Children pussies. Stop selling your rhetoric and just make a difference. No more buttons that look like campaign posters. No more tshirts. No more stickers. Just FIX THE PROBLEM. Don’t market it to high school students. Capitalism at its worst. Especially when only 30% of the money actually goes to the CAUSE rather than the van and the merchandise and the video and the travel expenses.

Assholes.