I Wonder…

                I wonder how different I am from the person I used to be.  I wonder if I ever went to any of my high school reunions, if people would say that I’m the same or different. 

                I feel like a completely different person.  I feel like if I met myself in high school, I probably would have either gotten drunk with me or thought I was a complete bitch.  It’s a double-edged sword, I guess, because all the things which helped me bridge social classes in high school and “float” are both positive and negative aspects of personality. 

                This is why I don’t attend high school reunions.

                I will tell you a story:  I met a boy in high school who I thought was very cool.  I didn’t date him then, but we were cool and partied together.  When I went to South Padre Island on Spring Break junior year with my friends, I got horribly burnt (Nebraska girl thought baby oil would be a good tanning supplement on the Gulf of Mexico); he was the only one who stayed with me.  My friends all went to the bar with their fake ids, but this dude got us some pot and put me out of my painful, burnt misery. 

                Years later, in college, that guy and I tried to officially “date”, but I was too wrapped up in my own narcissism to give him the respect he needed, so I cheated and lied and was an general asshole (repeated theme, I know).   It didn’t work out.  I saw him years later at a concert of some sort and he had a beautiful wife and beautiful children and I was very happy for him.   BUT… the point of the story is that I saw him RECENTLY (about a year ago) at a show at the Slowdown.  I said hello, and he had NO IDEA who I was.   I had to introduce myself, and when I DID, he pulled away immediately.  What the fuck?  Apparently I used to be even worse than I thought.  I about cried just from the surprised look on his face.  And yet, when I looked at my senior year yearbook picture today, I look ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like I used to look.  I mean, seriously.  Nothing.  So… whatever.  I’m not the same person.  Why should people remember me?  I am happy every single day that I am not the person I was in high school, so I don’t know why it would bother me when people don’t see that girl.  I should be relieved. 

                I always thought that I was only good at being young, but it turns out that I am much better at being older than being younger.  I GET things on a level that I never understood when I was younger.  I think that adolescence is a social disease.  The drama is the contagion factor.  As an adult, I refuse to engage in the drama. 

                Don’t get me wrong; getting old sucks ass.  My body betrays me on a daily basis.   And to be honest, my brain does it too; but I am so much smarter than when I was a teenager.   (Let’s extend that into the early 20s, actually).  I was kind of stupid.  I just went with the flow, which is a really terrible idea.  Sheep die.  Lemmings stumble over the edge.  All it really takes to succeed in life is to not be a fucking idiot.  And (this is a semi-new revelation to me) to not lie to yourself.  See the world as it is, and interact with it.  The substance of life doesn’t have to rely on other people.  As a very relevant example, if I relied on my husband to help me create the meaning of life, I’d be fucking dead.  Or in a van down by the river.   

                What is the point?!  I think the point is that people try to find meaning in things that don’t really matter.  My new life goal is to simply find a way to mentally fit the mode that I am in.   All I need is a little peace and quiet.