A.L.O.N.E. (again)

I am currently eating a really lovely dinner.  Penne pasta with a sauce of goat cheese, spinach, and garlic – on a bed of spinach and sprinkled with parmesan.  I have a glass of Coppola Director’s Cut carbernet, which is a nearly perfect complement to the food. 

I made the whole recipe (which I found online in a burst of inspiration to cook better meals for family), and I took one serving.  The rest is sitting on the counter.  My oldest child doesn’t live at home anymore, so I didn’t really expect her to show up.  The teenager left a few hours ago to go to someone’s house – I don’t know who he/she is; it hardly matters.  The preteen is also at a friend’s house and probably won’t bother coming home until later.  The husband has a rare night off, but since I didn’t do a celebratory dance when he came home (because I don’t give a shit, to be honest), he has locked himself in his bedroom (most likely with some sporting event, but when he’s feeling sorry for himself, he usually just sleeps).  So … here I am, again, eating dinner alone.  I don’t even know why I bother. 

Wait, I just reread what I wrote, and I think I have any answer to the “why do I bother” question.  Just because my husband doesn’t participate in my life anymore, and just because my children are happy, healthy people who hang out with their friends rather than their mom (obviously), their absence doesn’t mean I should enjoy my life any less.  It doesn’t mean I should eat shitty food or not create ambiance with French music and wine when I eat.  I usually even light a candle when I eat, especially if I’m alone.  Weird?  Maybe, but it makes me happy.  I have total control over my surroundings, I can read the newspaper uninterrupted, and I can write my blog. 

Would I rather have a group of people to talk to while I eat?  Absolutely.  Would I prefer to engage in raucous discussions about life occasionally? Well, yes!  But it seems I don’t have much of a choice.  I’m not going to force my children to keep me company; that’s not their job.  One of these days, when I don’t have to be so tied to this place, I’m going to show my children what it’s like to really live.  I can’t wait.