Smoke it

I've written about this before, but I am trying so hard to be a smoker again.  I smoked cigarettes for about 10 years or something.  I started when I was about 15 and it lasted well into my adult life.  And then I quit when my middle child picked up my pack of cigarettes from the shelf by the back door, ate a few, and then puked everywhere.  No shit; I just quit on the spot.  I was struggling to quit, and then I saw him barfing all over my kitchen and came to the realization (not a new one) that I was an asshole.  So I stopped smoking.

Fast forward to 15 years later, and I just want to smoke a cigarette!  I try to do it periodically, and it makes me physically ill.  I hate it.  I hate the taste and the lingering smoke and the "mouth skank," and all that shit.  AND YET ... I still want to be able to enjoy a cigarette now and then.  But (sadly?) I can't.  I am currently holding on to an un-smoked cigarette, just because it feels right in my hand, and the (theoretical) idea of it is lovely.

I assume that I am lucky that I don't like the taste anymore, because otherwise I would die of lung cancer.  BUT ... I think I've made it perfectly clear that I am trying to kill myself via poor life choices, so I don't see why my brain would resist so much to a simple (chemically engorged) cigarette!!  I even bought the ones with the Indian on the front, in an attempt to be "fresh" (or whatever shit they're selling).

I guess I'll have to drink myself to death instead (plus the pharmaceutical factor) - eventually, my heart will just give up, I'm thinking.  Hopefully it will be quick.

(I love how totally fucking morose this blog entry is.  It makes me happier.  Fucked up?  (No one asked you.))