Why So Hostile?

I just got off the phone with my husband.  I texted him with a simple question.  At maximum, at would have taken five words to answer.  At minimum, a single word answer would have sufficed.  But every time I text him, he wants to call.  You would think that when I didn't answer the house phone, and then I didn't answer my cell phone the first time, he would have gotten the message, but no.  He wants to call and tell me things that I don't care about, and ask me questions that a 40-something-year-old man should be able to figure out all by himself.

Statement (from him):  "I read your text."  (Pause.  Full stop when I don't respond.  Did you ask me a question?  Do you have an answer for MY question?  Why are you calling me?)
Question (from him):  "Are you there...?"  (Yes, I'm here.  I just answered the phone.  Again, did you ask me something?  I repeat the texted, SIMPLE question and get a 100 word rambling response riddled with excuses and nonsense, followed by many more unrelated statements about things I already know and don't care about.)
Question:  "So what's the plan for Friday?"  (My answer is that I don't have a plan.  The subtext is that even if I HAD a plan, he wouldn't be a part of it, because our lives are completely separate.)
Question:  "Do you just want to write me a check for _____________?"  (He's asking about payment for something for one of our children - the second time this week, for different expenses.  Why the fuck would I want to write him a check/pay for something which is FOR ONE OF OUR CHILDREN?  When did I become the bank for every incidental expense incurred in our household? - Answer to my rhetorical question:  the moment we had children, apparently; or the moment he decided to drop out of college and get a series of shitty jobs.)
Question:  "Well, how do you expect me to pay for it?"  (Answered with some snarky shit by me about how whenever expenses exceed HIS budget they go on MY credit card, since I make so much money as a teacher.)
Question:  "What are you doing for your birthday?"  (In my head, the answer is "be left alone, please", but aloud, I say, "I haven't thought about it.  I don't want to do anything."  Because I don't want to fake through a happy, pretend marriage on my birthday, of all days.  I'd rather sit on a park bench and talk to total strangers.)
Question:  "Why so hostile?"  (My answer:  "I have to go.")

But hmm ... now that I've had a minute to think about it, let me make a list of reason I'm so hostile.  Just for you, honey:

1. You ask stupid questions that an adult shouldn't have to ask.  Grow up.
2. You pretend like everything is okay, when it isn't.
3. You never talk to me about anything important, only bullshit.
4. You act like all the terrible shit in the past is somehow not directly related to my animosity towards you, so you do nothing to fix the problems, only gloss over them.
5. You assume that I will take all responsibility for parenting our children because you are never home.
6. You then subsequently act like you are not at fault for anything, because you weren't here, and thus could not have been part of the problem.
7. Even though you're never home to parent or spend time with our children, you make sure to build "me time" into your days off.
8. You watch television incessantly when you ARE home.
9. You maintain superficial relationships with everyone, but can't manage to have a real relationship with anyone. 
10. You stopped being my friend about 10 years ago, and you stopped being someone I cared about shortly after that.  
11. You have broken my heart and my ego and my spirit so many times that I can't care anymore about anything you say.
12. You never listen to me, ever.  I have recurring nightmares about screaming for help, but no one hears me.  I wonder why ...

Why so hostile?  You, my love.  Now go away.