Papillion - meh

                                                                                                                       

Dear City of Papillion:

I realize that you were voted Best City or whatever a few years ago, but as a resident of your fine city, I would like to point out some ways in which you kind of suck.

1.        I love eating out.  Here’s the problem:  If I want to eat out, and I don’t want to eat shitty fast food or solidly mediocre chain-food, I have to drive to Omaha.  The restaurants in Papillion suck, a lot.  The tax base in Papio is very high, and the people who live here have money to spend.  If they are discerning with that money, they will most certainly drive away from Papillion, because we have no upscale restaurants.  I’m not saying that good restaurants can’t be chains (Bonefish, PF Changs) but the chain restaurants here are total garbage (Texas Roadhouse, Old Chicago, Red Robin).  GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!!  If people in the city have money, why not let them spend it in the city where they live rather than taking all of that revenue into a neighboring city?  (Stupid.)

2.       Shopping in Papillion is also a joke.  The city opened a massive outdoor mall, and the anchor store is … Hy Vee?!  Don’t get me wrong, I shop at Hy Vee all the time, but that doesn’t mean it should anchor an entire mall.  We seem to have all kinds of room for Walmarts and Targets and Michael’s and other BS, but we can’t secure a high-end store??  Whoever runs the Department of Get Good Stores for the City of Papillion sucks at his or her job.

3.       The police.  Please find some real crime and stop parking your asses at intersections and hiding in clumps of trees.  Isn’t there a meth lab somewhere that you’d like to bust?

4.       Oh, and the industrial construction?  Stop it.  We already look like a western Nebraska  pit stop, and the more one-story, ugly, brown strip malls our city builds, the more we look like a place no one would ever want to live, because it’s depressing (and then we want to drive to a better neighborhood in Omaha…).

Besides all that, carry on.  I’m just saying that we can do a lot better.  Make me want to stay here rather than wanting to go somewhere where interesting, cultural things actually happen.

21st Century Problems

                                                                                                           

Here is my dilemma:  I have become so entrenched in my own self-imposed solitude that I am finding it very difficult to climb out.  I am lonely, but I want to be left alone.  Totally counter-intuitive, right?  I wander around my house like a ghost, or I wander around my yard looking for things to “fix”, but I never really DO anything. 

Example:  My deck is falling apart.  It upsets me every time I go outside, but I can’t afford to replace it.  So this morning, I made a mimosa, went outside, and measured the planks that are broken and need replaced.  I wrote down the different sizes, then went to Home Depot.  When I got to the store, I just wandered up and down the lumber aisles, wishing I had a man (or a friend) who would help me.  I got overwhelmed, left the store without buying anything, came home, and had another mimosa.

I accomplish nothing, most days, most of the time. 

I know part of my problem today is that I have strep throat, so I’m in pain and I’m tired, but I seem to feel like that every day.  Textbook depression, I suppose. 

But how do I break out of it?  I know what I SHOULD do (reach out to people, exercise, eat better), but I can’t seem to do any of those things.  Just thinking about them makes me tired and sad. 

It’s currently 4:00 – the middle of the day – it’s beautiful outside, and I have no idea what to do with myself.  I can’t nap, because all I do is lay there and think about what I COULD or SHOULD be doing instead, but when I get up, I don’t really do anything. 

I don’t get it.  I’m smart; I know how the psychology works, but I can’t make the simple solutions work on myself. 

Spring Break is coming up, and I already know I won’t do anything.  I can’t afford to leave, and I’m too old to do what I always used to do and just throw the cost of a trip on my credit card.  And even if I DID leave, the thing that makes me unhappy (me) will still be there.  And the other things that make me unhappy will still be here when I get back.

So, yeah.  I’m going to go outside and pretend to do something, just like I’m pretending to do something on this computer right now, and then I’ll drink myself to sleep later. 

A really stellar life plan, I know. 

A Bit of Levity

Things are often bleak here in the suburbs, but that doesn't mean happiness doesn't intrude. 

It's beautiful outside.
The sun is shining.
The squirrels are talking to me right now. 
I just saw an enormous, beautiful owl.
I have a mimosa in my hand.
A crocus is popping up in my garden.

Moments count.

Wading In

You’re killing me, little by little, every day, all the time, chipping away at who I am and who I want to be, eroding the foundation of my personality, my character, and my humanity. 

Every day, all the time, I sink.  I look at you, or I think about you living in my house, or I anticipate your presence in any capacity, and I drown.  The rocks are in my pockets, and I am wading out into the river every single time I think about you. 

Why, for the love of god, will you not go gently into the good night?  I have tried anger and patience and every other emotion I can manufacture, but you will not simply leave me to be in peace.   We are not a tie anymore; please, please, please go away from me.

You have systematically made me tired and sad and suicidal, and I have lost the ability to care about anything.  I don’t even care about myself anymore.  I drink too much,  I smoke too much, and I don’t exercise, because ALL of my mental energy goes toward just sustaining the ability to get through any given day, rather than trying to be the best person I can be. 

You have sapped every emotion I can possible entertain, and I sit here, today, apathetic towards everything, because I can’t get rid of the cancer that is you. 

It blooms and grows and consumes me.  I hate you, and my hatred fuels the cancer of my soul, which undoubtedly will fuel the ACTUAL cancer which will take over my weakened immune system and ravage and then kill me, because I I can’t fight it off anymore. 

You win.