21st Century Problems

                                                                                                           

Here is my dilemma:  I have become so entrenched in my own self-imposed solitude that I am finding it very difficult to climb out.  I am lonely, but I want to be left alone.  Totally counter-intuitive, right?  I wander around my house like a ghost, or I wander around my yard looking for things to “fix”, but I never really DO anything. 

Example:  My deck is falling apart.  It upsets me every time I go outside, but I can’t afford to replace it.  So this morning, I made a mimosa, went outside, and measured the planks that are broken and need replaced.  I wrote down the different sizes, then went to Home Depot.  When I got to the store, I just wandered up and down the lumber aisles, wishing I had a man (or a friend) who would help me.  I got overwhelmed, left the store without buying anything, came home, and had another mimosa.

I accomplish nothing, most days, most of the time. 

I know part of my problem today is that I have strep throat, so I’m in pain and I’m tired, but I seem to feel like that every day.  Textbook depression, I suppose. 

But how do I break out of it?  I know what I SHOULD do (reach out to people, exercise, eat better), but I can’t seem to do any of those things.  Just thinking about them makes me tired and sad. 

It’s currently 4:00 – the middle of the day – it’s beautiful outside, and I have no idea what to do with myself.  I can’t nap, because all I do is lay there and think about what I COULD or SHOULD be doing instead, but when I get up, I don’t really do anything. 

I don’t get it.  I’m smart; I know how the psychology works, but I can’t make the simple solutions work on myself. 

Spring Break is coming up, and I already know I won’t do anything.  I can’t afford to leave, and I’m too old to do what I always used to do and just throw the cost of a trip on my credit card.  And even if I DID leave, the thing that makes me unhappy (me) will still be there.  And the other things that make me unhappy will still be here when I get back.

So, yeah.  I’m going to go outside and pretend to do something, just like I’m pretending to do something on this computer right now, and then I’ll drink myself to sleep later. 

A really stellar life plan, I know.