Here Comes the Anger

Holy fucking shit. 

My anger is like taking a clone of myself and creating a whole different person made of angst and disappointment and frustration.  I am so fucking angry all the time.  When I’m not angry, I’m debilitated.  I’m useless, because the anger overcomes me at such velocity that I can’t even control my brain.  I’m angry at everything and everyone, simply because they exist. 

The question is … why?

Let me tell you.

I am so fucking sick of people pretending to care.  OR kind of caring and sucking at it.  Here’s the thing:  if you care, SAY IT OUT LOUD.  And then do something about it.  Don’t sit around like a fucking pussy and say nothing.  Don’t IGNORE me, because there is literally nothing worse for me, as an individual, than not acknowledging me.  Does that make me needy?  YES.  But if you like me, or (god forbid) love me, then don’t fuck around with my feelings.  Don’t leave me hanging.  Don’t get so caught up in your own shit that you can’t spend two fucking seconds recognizing the fact that I am a human being who needs love and acknowledgement.

YOU are not more important than ME.  I have spent the better part of 20 fucking years letting someone else be “more important” than me.  And I’ll tell you what, it sucks. 

I want to break up with humanity.  I fucking hate the way other people make me feel.  No one gets me.  No one understands what I need.  No one cares. “I am the dog who gets beat.  Shove my nose in shit.  Won’t you come and save me?”  (Alice in Chains)  No one is coming to save me.  I have to save myself, and I have no fucking idea how to do that.  I have a severe deficit in that capacity, but no one cares enough to help me through that obstacle.  They prefer to ignore it – easier, right?

No one is going to save me but me.  And I can’t save myself.  I am drowning in my own shit.  I inhale, and I get a nasal cavity full of anger.  I am angry at everyone, because no one sees me.  No one gives a flying fuck about anyone else, except when it makes them feel good to “help” other people.  I’m tired of that shit.  I don’t need anyone’s pity.  I need to be loved properly and with careless abandon.  How did I end up so alone and with no one who cares enough to fight for me? 

Maybe I’m not worth fighting for.   That’s always a possibility. 

Fuck the rest of that apathetic bullshit.   I deserve more and I deserve better.  I deserve to be loved truly, madly, and deeply, all the time.  I don’t deserve to be marginalized. 

I wish I believed any of the bullshit I just spewed into this void.