Today

I need to write.  I tell myself I want to be a writer, but I don’t write.  As Franz Kafka said, “a writer who doesn’t write is a monster courting insanity”.  I am that monster. 

I know that all I need to do is sit in front of this computer and puke out words, so I will try today, and then I will try again tomorrow, and then I might make a habit of it. 

So today was pretty shitty.  I didn’t sleep well last night.  I woke up feeling like a zombie.  I was crying before I went to sleep, so my eyes were all puffy this morning, and I had to somehow get up and get dressed and venture off to work in order to teach things to high school students.  I didn’t want to.  I almost never want to.  To be fair, I usually love my job.  The students are the only reason I drag my ass out of bed and make an effort to be an extrovert for eight hours. 

So why was I tired, and why didn’t I sleep?  Because I was on the phone last night for several hours with a boy, who is my friend, and we got into an argument about nothing (which is probably untrue).  The middle part of that sentence needs attention.  “A boy who is my friend.”  This is a grown man, but he is still a boy, who is my friend.  He likes the word “boyfriend”, and I don’t.  All sorts of qualifiers come with that word.  Once we went from being friends to being “in a relationship”, the rules changed.  Gradually, sure, but now there are labels for things.  And now there is a line I can’t cross, which was a different line when we were just friends. 

Suffixes are important.  They change the meanings of words.

There’s a difference between being “childlike” and “childish”.  Childlike is fun.  Childlike is running outside during a thunderstorm to play in the rain.  Childish is a petulant brat.

I don’t want to be a petulant brat, but I definitely want to play in the rain with you.