Self-Induced Therapy

In an attempt to be more positive, I am now going to force myself to say a series of things which make me happy:

• My children are amazing human beings who are pursuing life on their own terms, and they all make me proud
• Lane is a force of nature who cares about me without prejudice
• Many of my new students are solidly good people who want to listen and learn
• The flowers in my backyard are beautiful, and the temperature is fall-ish
• I might have the most comfortable bed ever mass-produced
• I don't have to work on my birthday this year
• I have some pretty kick ass musical instruments
• I have a pretty kick ass best friend
• My cat is a support animal, even when he's attacking my face when I wake up
• (I'm beginning to struggle with examples now)
• Sharpies are pretty cool
• My dart board is also a therapy tool, which I love throwing sharp object at
• I am alive

The end, for now :)

Absence - that common cure for love

Unfortunately, I believe Lord Byron was right, when he said that absence is the common cure for love.  So many cliches exist about love that it's impossible to believe them all, but sometimes, the cliche becomes part of a common belief system because it's so true, so often.

Love should be breath-taking, but love also needs room to breathe sometimes.  I entered into a long-distance version of love a couple of years ago, and now the only thing that I know for sure is that even though I love him, and he will always be important in my life, I will never have what I want in that relationship because of absence.  He isn't moving, and I can't move.

For me, love should not be jammed into a couple of days here and there.  Maybe I'm selfish (probably), but I need to have a partner in my life.  Or to be alone.  Having someone only when it's convenient for them, going to bed alone every night, not having someone to decompress with at the end of a day, wondering if the constant stress of maintaining a relationship is worth the emotional and physical side effects, living completely separate lives ... isn't healthy.  The anticipation used to be thrilling; now it just makes me sad and lonely.

I'm not here to whine though.  I'm just in another moment of another day when I want what I don't have.  My job is a drain, my love life is bare, and my body feels like it's shutting down for good.  I have to find a way to find more small moments of happiness, or I may just never recover from this disappointing chapter of my life. 

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Repeat.  Fake a smile until it (hopefully) becomes genuine happiness.

The Grind

When school started back a week and a half ago, I cried every single morning when my alarm went off.  Today is the first day I haven't cried.  That seems like a problem. Maybe a new job?  Oh wait:  I can't quit my job, because then I get systematically fucked by THE MAN, because I haven't worked for 85 years doing my job, thus my current retirement fund might keep me alive for a year. 

Here's the unfortunate truth:  I fucking hate going to my job.  This is not good.  I used to love my job, even though sometimes it's frustrating.  I loved teaching, I loved the challenge, and I loved sharing my love of language and literature.  Now ... well, I actively hate myself for signing a contract to go back to that building.  I just hate myself in general, actually.  I hate the people who run the school.  I hate the kids who refuse to engage because they think school is a waste of their time.  I hate that those students destroy my passion for the ideas/writing that I'm passionate about.  I hate that the word that first comes to my mind about education is "hate". 

I honestly don't think I'm going to make it through this school year.  I don't even think I'll make it through next week.  I'll either have a massive heart attack and die, or I'll purposely swerve into oncoming traffic in front of a semi just so I don't have to do this job anymore. 

I'm fucking sad all the time because I can't stand being in high school anymore.  I went to high school.  I graduated.  I went to college.  I graduated.  (thrice) . I have now taught in high school for 21 years.  I am ready to graduate.  Immediately.  I would like to never see the inside of a high school again.  Starting today. 

I truly think all the negative feelings I have about my job and myself are slowly killing me.  I don't even like or respect myself anymore, so how could anyone else? 

All I want to do is be a writer, live on my own terms and my own schedule, and not feel the compulsion to drink myself to death.  But I don't write, because when I do, this is what happens.  I puke out a bunch of shitty feeling words about how disappointed I am with my life.  Fucking pathetic. 

I would end this rant by saying that tomorrow will be a better day, but based on the trajectory of my current life, tomorrow will be the same Groundhog Day-style nightmare that every other day is.  Thank god for my best friend, who happens to be a 17-year-old, otherwise I'd disappear.

F-ing School

I start back to school tomorrow.  I got the flurry of emails and regular mailers to remind me to (mandatorily) attend a pep rally at 8am to get riled up and excited about educating this next class of students.  Every year, hundreds of teachers attend this terrible "party" and endure the attempt to pump up educators to take on another school year. 

One year, it rained, and we had to leave.  That was my favorite one.

So I will go back to school tomorrow and try to get my shit together.  (It is definitely NOT together yet.). I will attend a handful of meetings and force myself to arrange curriculum in order to properly teach young people.  (Young people who are ardently against coming back to school, I might add.) . I will put posters on my blank, white, suicide-walls so that I don't feel like I'm housed in a prison cell with no windows and brick encasement.  I will find people who make me happy-ish and spend time with them in order to readjust my brain to the institution of education.

I love teaching.  I love English.  I used to love the beginning of every school year, because it's an opportunity to do something new and different . Now, I want to simply not have a debilitating panic attack because I'm going to back to do the same thing ... again.  I will try my best to do things differently and better, if only because my students deserve my best effort. 

Importantly, I will try to go to sleep before 4am, because that's my current timelime.  Sleep at 3 or 4am and get up around noon.  (Sigh.) .

Mantra:  "I will be okay.  Everything will be okay."