Celibacy: The 10 Step Program

1.  Fuck people who suck.
2.  listen to their lies.
3.  Believe an altered version of reality.
4.  Hate yourself.
5.  Hate your "significant other".
6.  Deny reality.
7.  Take assorted anti-depressants. 
8.  Hate the drugs (and yourself even more) and then stop taking the drugs.
9.  Practice distance.
10.  Stop.  Enjoy solitude.  Try to like yourself, independently of other people.

FINIS

Stop Me

Here's the deal:  Parenting is a fucking rat's nest of bullshit.  Parenting is bad enough when two people do it together, but when only one person is in charge of all the things which keep people together, then the deal is fucked.

I am so fucking tired of being the one who figures out all the shit, in terms of day-to-day tedium.  Nothing fazes me, yeah?  "I want to go up there, and I don't want to ever come down.   I want to see what's up there, because it must be better than the hell on the ground."

The streets are fucking cold.  People are fucking cold.  Look to the sky and pray to ... anything holy?  What's up there?  It can't be worse than the bullshit non-speak that happens on the ground every single day.  See, the luck I've had could make a good person turn bad.  Please, please, please let me get what I want this time.  What do I want?  Civility?  Kindness?  Reciprocity?  Maybe, just love.

Sing me to sleep.  I'm tired, and I want to go bed.  Leave me alone.  Don't try to wake me in the morning; I will be gone.  Don't feel bad for me.  I want you to know that deep in the cell of my heart, I will feel so glad to go.  Sing me to sleep.  I don't want to wake up on my own anymore.  Deep in the cell of my heart, I really want to go.  There is another world. A better world.  There must be.

ineffective behavior

I think I'm too tired to be good at anything anymore. 

I believe the idiom is, "stretched too thin", although I am not thin, by any means.

I am losing efficacy as a teacher, because I'm becoming intolerant of the incessant whining of entitled students, parents, teachers and administrators. 

I am half-failing as a parent, because I'm so busy assisting other people's children at my job, that I have very little left at the end of any given day to assist my own children through the struggles of life and school and academia.

I don't really have a "life partner" right now, because I am too tired of the vapid bullshit which insidiously creeps into any relationship based on all the other people who have infiltrated both my personal life and the lives of those people with whom I try to engage on an intimate level. 

I have some time to myself, but in that time, I find myself doing senseless, redundant chores which eliminate any opportunity for creativity.  I simply don't have the time for the words or the music or the inspiration, because I'm constantly trying to stay stay one step ahead of the hundreds of teenagers who do not want to engage with their own learning, so I have to perform circus acts every day, just to keep them (marginally) interested in anything I'm trying to say.

To make a strange connection, I'd like to "unfriend" or "block" my current lifestyle in favor of one more conducive to personal happiness, and yet the hole which I've dug professionally (thus economically) inhibits my ability to choose happiness and creativity over a paycheck.  I have to pay the bills for everyone, so I have to have a job which I have outgrown.

Go America. 


(As a side note, I just told my youngest child what I'm writing about, and she said, "you're my own Serena Williams", which I take as the ultimate compliment from a 17-year-old.)