The Anti College Recommendation

The time of year has come when people are asking me for recommendations for student council, class president, and college admission.  Let me just say that when I write a college recommendation, I knock that shit out of the park.  I can make just about anyone look good, on paper.  But sometimes, someone asks me to write a recommendation and I have to say no, because they fail every category on a recommendation form.  So ... let me give you a generic, amalgomous version of the letter I would love to send off to college for some students:

To Whom It May Concern:
      Do not let this kid into your school.  I mean, if he or she wants to pay full tuition, then go ahead, but if you want someone who is ready to take on the responsibilities of being a semi-adult, this person is not a good pick. 

     Let me give you some examples, to solidify my lack of confidence in this person.

• This person failed my class.  They couldn't manage to turn in assignments, regardless of how easy or difficult.  They waited until the last possible minute, and then tried to get me to pass them.  I didn't.  Because they didn't deserve it.
• This person is incredibly vapid.  A total airhead.  Nothing is getting in their head, except notifications from whatever social media site is on their phone.  Total inability to pay attention to anything except their own version of the world, channeled through an app.  No attention span to speak of, and no desire to be better on any level.
• OR ... he/she is so filled with manic-depressive thoughts, that it will be a fucking miracle if they get through even one semester of school before dropping out and moving back home. They should spend their parent's money on therapy, not college. 
• This person's life plan seems to be to go to college, in order to get out of their parent's control, and then systematically vomit in a series of bushes on campus, because getting drunk and/or high is more important than learning anything academic.
• This person can't read.  For real.
• This person has literally no idea what they want to do with their life, except for texting the person across the room in order to talk shit about other people in the room.  A real gem.
• I have watched this person cheat on virtually every assignment for every class - in front of me - and use the excuse that they're just "using available resources".  None of their transcript grades are accurate, except to show how good they are at navigating around the system for personal gain.
• This person's National Honor Society community service hours were ALL forged, by them.  In front of me. 
• Responsibility, you ask?  I wouldn't trust this person with a plant that I don't even care about, let alone to take care of themselves or lead others (unless they're headed toward a cliff, and weed is growing at the bottom).
• While I'm 100% certain that this person has been taught how to use punctuation and write sentences, I've seen no evidence of that.
• Quite often, this person turns in assignments four months after they are due, then acts like I'm a bitch for not telling them how special they are for actually turning in something with words written down. 
• Personality, you ask?  Honestly, this person is kind of an asshole.  I've seen them bully other people, belittle other people, and generally act like a dick on a daily basis.  (I mean, if that's the kind of person you want, then they must be applying for ASU or UC Boulder and joining the Greek system.

Other than the obvious human flaws, I'm sure this person would be super great at your university.  Just let me be really clear about the fact that there is a very high chance that they won't make it past freshman year, or they will accidentally light their dorm room on fire with a hot plate they're using to heat up crack, or melt bath salts on a hot surface just to see what happens.  

Peace out, said an educator.