22 November 2022 - a poem

I tell myself that I’m fine.

I tell you that I’m fine.

I tell you that I’m not angry, because that is the safest route.

I begin to train myself to believe that I am not angry.

I do the best I possibly can, given what I am given -

It works.

Sometimes.

I believe that you are real -

that you care about me as much as I care about you - 

(I try to remember about myself)

And then 

Sometimes,

I know you don’t.

I know you don’t see me

Or listen to me

Or hear me

Or validate me

Because …

Life is easier to rationalize if you project.

My soul understands projection,

 … yours only understands it from a blinded side.

While I try to be the better me,

You be you.

No apologies; no middle-ground.

how

can

we

(be we)

?

"Why Aren't You Better?"

"Do you want the Family Man or do you want the Swinging Man?  You choose ... (whispering)  ... You get the Family Man ... with glances in my way taking no chances on the new day ... with your life all planned, your little sand castle built, smiling through your guilt ... Family Man.  Here I come, Family Man.  I come to infect ... putting up your Christmas lights, first on the block, Family Man ... Family MAN... Saint DAD, Father on Fire.  I've come to incinerate you.  I've come home..." - Black Flag 

Why am I the subject of subjugation?  Do I subjugate myself?  Do I have a sign on my soul which says that I am a woman, and I should (somehow) be better at my job of being a person?  Is there a guidebook that tells me (as a 50-year-old woman) HOW I should act?  WHAT I should say?  HOW I should say it? 

(You tell me, Family Man.)

Do I have to repeatedly defend myself as a human being who doesn't fit into the stupid fucking box of what a woman say or does?  Do I have to be everything, to everyone, all the time?  When does the toxic Family Man version of men stop?  When do I get to be a person who is "allowed" to be who she wants to be, and still have a man love her?  What happens when a woman surrenders her soul to a Family Man, and then signs, in blood and contract, her being?  Why do the social expectations of "relationships" ("situation-ships") supersede who I am and what I want?

Does the dominant personality win?  Does the money win?  Does the experience win?  

What is "winning"?

Why can't I tell my partner about my life goals and not be condemned for not having done enough to accomplish my goals?  Why doesn't anyone listen, instead of hear?  Why do I have to do EVERYTHING alone, or else I am weak?  Why do I have to suffer in silence, because I speak my thoughts?  Why I am indicted for not being good enough?  Not trying hard enough?  Not being better?  I somehow became a Family Woman (and we all know that a woman is only something we fuck, or abhor ...).

Women should just figure out how to infiltrate the Family Man Business, yes?  (The Family Man doesn't want the woman there - he wants control.  Autonomy of himself; control of others.)

Who the fuck are YOU to tell ME how I should live my life, when yours is just polluted, Family Man?

 - my message is to rise above …

we are tired of your abuse .. 

(insert love here)

The New York Times

 Yes, I subscribe to the New York Times.

I love reading the newspaper, and the NYTimes is the highest educational level thing I can find to read.

Here's what's pissing me off:  why do they keep reporting things which are common sense?

The answer:  because people are generally stupid.

I'll just start on page one for Friday, June 22, 2022:

1.  "Trump Ignored Duty on Jan. 6".  -  Hmm.  No shit.  he wanted to GO there to see his carnage.  What, did he think he was Colonel Mustard with a lead pipe in the kitchen?  He invited all the right-wing douchebags out to play, in public.  

2.  Ukraine.  - Here is the actual truth, which no one wants to talk about:  most Americans have stopped caring, because COVID still exists, and America is either on fire or under water.

3.  Biden has COVID.  - Obviously.  Because if you ask the average idiot of an American, they will say that COVID either "over" or it's an inconvenience they are done dealing with.

(Now that I'm revisiting this unpublished draft, I see that as I am existing, now, on December 1, 2022, the world is actually still the same.)

Apologies, from Generation X

 I am one of a group of humans called "Generation X".  

We are a generation, which is called ... "X".

Apologies, to all.

We, as a group of humans who are in middle age now, mostly suck.  

The women are mostly Karens and the men are mostly toxic masculinity.

I would pretend that I don't know why, but the  reason is that we grew up in a generation with no cell phones and very little oversight,  It was pretty amazing.  I could just tell my parents that someone was on the land line at my friend's house, so I couldn't call home.  My parents didn't have cell phones.  There was no tracking of location; there was trust.  And  - to be honest - I violated that trust a lot, but my parents were still very cool about teaching me to be a better person. So ... as a person, I don't understand why people my age would act like controlling douchebags, but I see it all the time.  

Gen X is generally entitled, selfish, judgmental, and pretending to not be old.

They seem to believe that their suffering is worse than everyone else's, when that's objectively untrue.

They seem to believe that life is something we should win, rather than a journey.  That "journey" part is important, because people should never stop evolving.  We should always look to learn and accept differences and find out knew information.  No one is right just because they have deluded themselves to believe they are right, in every situation.

For whatever reason, Gen X is stuck in narcissism.  

Again, apologies.  

I try not be to one of "us".