into the lean

I saw him turn into the lean.

He started side-stepping 

and leaning 

and fumbling 

and tumbling and 

, eventually , grumbling and mumbling.  

He leaned into the lean. 

Side-stepping is his gig, because he’s shy and anxious, but he has naughty thoughts and feels shame about basic human emotions.

(Probably wasn’t parented well.  Probably had no real support-system in his life beyond 

money and trusts and inheritances and muting of emotions, for the Common Good).

A try-hard if ever there was one.

Except that he chose to live most of his life not trying on certain things.  Human things.  He tried.  He failed a couple of times (as does everyone), and then he quit trying.

He always talks about how the strippers like him.  And how the female bartenders like him.  They flirt with him.  

(as if he doesn’t know that they’re nice because he tips and doesn’t try to rape them)

But if a girl he likes flirts with another man while they are “in a relationship”, anger projects.

If a girl he likes flirts with another man while they are not dating, he is turned on; he watches.

(Freudian shit.)

A virgin, whose first lay was a European prostitute.

A virgin whose second lay was a series of girls he “fell in love with” and humped endlessly.

And then a continual “virgin” whose expectations far exceeded any reality of women.

(Insert dumploads of porn and daily “friends” only existing on a screen)

(Insert self-cannonization)

How much is it worth?

Flowers? Dinner and drinks?

California? Power tools?

A Mercedes?

Is it worth one’s self-respect?

or Sense of Autonomy?

or Inner Peace? or Life? (quantity or quality or balance … ?)

A dollar is just 100 pennies; money doesn’t buy love, but it will buy a half-million dollar combine.

A word unsaid is 100 words in one’s head, and all the unsaid words combine to create quiet and dark chaos.

Nothing speaks the truth like silence. Don’t lean into the void. Straighten the lean.