Life is a Drain

I have an apt metaphor for my life:  the clogged drains in my basement.  I spent five fucking hours trying to unclog the drains, and guess what?  They are still fucked up.  I have hazardous chemicals all over me, because they were spraying up after the Drano wouldn’t go down the pipes, but I can’t bathe.  You know why?  Because the fucking water will just end up on the floor in my basement.

I looked at apartments downtown today, because I’m ready to get the fuck out of this suburban hell.  Oh wait, I can’t afford to even hire a plumber, let alone live the life I want to live.  So … I guess I’ll just fucking rot away in this shithole.  Awesome. 

I will never, EVER buy another house again.  This piece of shit house is killing me bit by bit.  When I have a stroke and die, don’t doubt for a second that I either died of a cerebral hemorrhage because I was so angry about ANOTHER BROKEN PIECE OF SHIT in my house or that I simply died of a broken heart.  A person can only hold so much disappointment in their hands before it starts to run over and drown them. 

Thus, here is my advice (which is fucking irrelevant, because apparently I can’t even follow my own advice): 

1)       Don’t buy a house.  The only exceptions are if you make a truly obscene amount of money and can afford all the stupid bullshit which comes with owning a house.  Apartments/rentals come with a landlord who HAS to fix all the bullshit, free of charge. 

2)  .     Don’t get married.  It’s the last legal form of slavery in America.  It is antiquated and fucking stupid.  The only exception to this rule is if you KNOW.  (People who KNOW will understand what I mean.)  I didn’t KNOW.  If there was a checklist for all the reasons a person SHOULDN”T get married, I would have checked about 90% of them.

3)       Don’t have children.  Just kidding.  They’re wonderful.  But make sure you know what the fuck you’re doing!  (for example, marrying someone who will not help you parent them is a bad idea.  And in the back of your head, you will know if he/she is up to the job or not.)

4)       Love your job.  And when you don’t love it any more, quit doing it.  I am perilously close to not loving my job any more.  It weighs on me every single day.  I can’t even read a book without trying to segue into teaching it.  (EQUALS UNHEALTHY.)  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I should probably just get a job at Trader Joe’s scanning people’s tofu and cheap wine. 

5)        Find good friends.  I don’t have any.  Seriously, not a single one.  My children are my only friends; and not only is that unhealthy, it’s not fair to them.  My problem is that most people suck and only care about themselves, so I have a hard time relating to anyone.  Oh, and the fact that I can’t ever leave my house because I have children and a husband who is NEVER home.  Did I mention that the husband has hundreds of friends?  That motherfucker never goes anywhere without someone knowing him and having stories.  How lovely.  (About as lovely as a pile of fucking dog shit on fire on my front porch.)

6)       Don’t listen to old hacks who don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about and who can’t make their own lives work.