Dear College

 Here is my contribution to the future college freshmen trying to get scholarships:  (Not everyone is a bi-sexual, American-Indian, whose parents never graduated high school, and lives in abject poverty …)

Dear College:

There is absolutely nothing I can write on this piece of paper (or PDF file) which will make you want to offer me scholarships.  I am not completely retarded, so my GPA is well above average (public school isn’t that hard, it turns out)), but I don’t have a weighted 4.75 or whatever to impress your pants off.  I am also not the president of my senior class (or the president of anything else, for that matter), and I find community service to be morally repugnant.  I know colleges like community service hours, but homeless people remind me of old people, and old people smell weird (plus they’re on the edge of death), and animals in pet shelters just shit a lot, so you see my dilemma. 

Another good college essay topic is overcoming economic adversity, but I live in the suburbs of middle-America, and I have an iphone, an Xbox, and, there’s a TV in basically every room of my house.  Although my car is pretty shitty, I have my own car.  I have never been “interfered with” and I am not addicted to any drugs.  I basically just hang out with my friends (even though I don’t really “like” most of them), watch Netflix, and play the apps on my phone.  Not very exciting - I’ll give you that – but I’m also not a serial killer or a rapist or a sociopath, so I would probably do okay grade-wise. 

People who have really fucked up families can usually cash in on their problems, but my family is painfully average.  I hang out with my dad and talk about … sports.  He’s actually not usually home, so I don’t even know what’s going on with him.  He could be in the Mexican drug cartel, for all know.  And my mom is pretty cool, but I think she might have chardonnay in that sippy cup she walks around with.  Seriously?  I don’t know much about my parents, even though we all live in the same house.  I don’t really see how my parents have anything to do with me getting into college anyway; my parents couldn’t do my calc homework even if my life was on the line.  (That might actually be a really good horror movie dilemma – just a thought.)

So … to the point:  I would like some money please.  I tried pretty hard in school (and let me just tell you: even paying attention in school is like a fucking marathon), and I got good grades.  I don’t want to stay in this festering, suburban pit that I’ve grown up in (sorry, in which I’ve grown up- thank you, John Baylor), so I’d like to pretty please come to your school in the ________________ (mountains, beach area, urban culture) which I have been missing throughout my childhood. 

Thank you, and don’t blow me off.  I know how this shit works, and if you got this far in my essay, you haven’t thrown my essay into the ABSOLUTELY NOT pile yet.   Have some mercy for a depressingly average person from a state you couldn’t find on a map with a gun to your head. 

Sincerely,

Your Future Student, Esquire.