A New Chapter

I’m going to skip all the introductory and background comments to get right to the point.  I am a flawed human being, and so are all the people who intrigue me.  I tried to love again recently and failed miserably, but I wouldn’t trade those supernatural highs or the soul-sucking lows for anything.  I spend too much time trying not to feel things, when the real gift of life is experiencing it.  Drinking in the venomous fluid of life and letting the poison induce hallucinations is part of being alive.  In the hallucinations I can find half-moments of clarity to keep me from wading into the river with rocks in my pockets.  (although I’m keeping that option on the table now and forever…)

To love and be loved, even if for a moment, is better than nothing. 

My problem is, and always has been, that I love other people more than I love myself.  I care about people, and I let them consume me like a soul-eating virus.  It’s not all bad.  I have empathy, and if that’s my fatal flaw, then so be it.  I care.  Do I care too much?  Maybe, but qualifying words don’t apply to life.  How do I define “caring too much”?  Why would I even want to define it?  I can say the words “I don’t care” out loud over and over, but it’s almost always a lie.  What I’m really trying to say is “I don’t want to care”.  Two different things. 

So I will take this most recent crushing experience in my life and I will try to turn it into something useful.  Our experiences are like fuel, feeding who we are and how we act.  Fuel sometimes burns with such intensity that the heat warms us, then creates a mirage of waves, then sets us on fire.  I’d rather have a raging bonfire than some smoldering pile of garbage.  I’m going to do what I want and live how I want and stop apologizing for being who I am.  If people don’t accept me for who I am (river-deep flaws and all), then they don’t deserve me. 

No more apologies.  No more martyr sacrifices for other people.  No more wallowing in self-pity because I can’t have exactly what I want.  Because, as it turns out, I have no idea what I really want.  If and when the right people come along, I will see the light.  And if that never happens, or if it only happens in little glimpses, that’s okay too.  At least I know I didn’t give up on myself or try to be someone I am not.