An Experiment

I get it now.  I was an experiment.  I was a thing you were interested in, for a minute, because I was different.  You wanted to find out what would happen.  Kind of like when a little kid sees matches for the first time and tries to light them.  It takes a couple of strikes, and then fire happens.  And then the fire starts to burn the kid’s finger, and he throws down the match and moves on to something else. 

Realistically, the kid could become a pyro, but (more likely) the kid was just curious.

I don’t like being thrown away like that.  I know everyone has their own, independent personality to cope with (experiences and all), but people should think about what fires they light and what will happen if the flame gets out of their control. 

Are you going to step on it?  Thrown water on it?  Watch it burn down to the ashes? 

And if the fires burns too bright for you, call 911.  Or something.  Don’t just stand there and watch other people stand in a burning room that YOU set on fire, accidentally (?). 

Experiments are only conducive to learning when the people involved all know what the fucking experiment is.  I mean, if I just show up to a concert to hear music, but the real deal is that some weird auditory experiment is being conducted on me … is that fair?  Maybe I should just accept the fact that I heard some music, and not worry about the trick being played on me. 

Or maybe the experimenter shouldn’t let the rat in the cage kill itself trying to get out, just because he or she is trying to find something out.  To experiment with life.  Isn’t a scientist usually observing things to see how they turn out?  And isn’t a scientist quite used to failure, simply because everything is an experiment?  I mean, sometimes things turn out as planned, but usually there are extenuating circumstances and unpredictable forces interfering, so they just watch and then plan the future events accordingly.

He was watching me, now that I think about it, all the time.  Observing from a distance.  Declaring things which were happening, but the declarations were often without emotion.  Sitting in a chair with a cocktail while I took a bath or listened to music or kissed him.  Moments were documented, introspection occurred.  Positive outcomes created future experiments, until the experiment was out of his control.  No scientist wants their plan to exceed their control.  They lose power.

Did I make you cry the first time I gave you a deep tissue massage and I said “you deserve to be taken care of once in a while”?  Yes.  You literally wept, and then you said, “I wasn’t expecting that” when you came back into the room a few minutes later.  That’s it.  No subsequent feeling words.  Stoic manliness or professorial distance or something else just as vapid.  I should have noticed that you were systematically addressing the glitches in your machine.

Spontaneous, unpredictable reactions are the fabric of life, friend.  You can’t foresee everything, but you can certainly adapt to circumstances.  I believe that’s called evolution.  Evolve, already.