20 March 2020 The Death of Love

He said, and I quote: "I cannot give you what you want, so I don't know why you keep asking."
He said, "instead of bitching about not seeing me, you should be appreciative of what I brought you."
He said, "I can no longer listen to you complain and hear about your dissatisfaction.  Little things in the past four years have made me lose more respect for you than gain it."
He said, "I cannot be your friend anymore."

What.  The.  Fuck.

This person has been my friend for more than thirty years, and you know how we fucked it up?  Sex.  That's it.  I am an excellent communicator, and he doesn't like to talk about feeling words.  I told him from the beginning that the meanest thing he could do to me was ignore me.  So how do I always get punished?  Being put on "silent mode". 

I don't apologize to other people for being who I am, but I pussy-footed around him for three years.  I didn't disagree with him on little things, because he would get angry and hold his breath like a child.  I apologized for things which weren't my fault, just because the ensuing argument was never worth it.  I took care of him through two major surgeries.  I cleaned his house a hundred times.  I cleaned dried dog piss off the kitchen floor, because he was too busy or in too much in pain.  I cleaned up dead kittens and their blood and piss and shit that had been drying on the floor and in the floor vents for weeks.  I guess I was a semi-convenient maid who just happened to have sex with him too.

And when he couldn't have sex anymore for medical/mental reasons, I became an inconvenience.  Another chore he had to deal with.  Another person he had to talk to.  Another person who wanted his attention.  All his wants is to be left alone to wallow in misery now, so (once again) he gets what he wants from me.  And I'm supposed to just accept that we never had a final conversation about the end of us; he just started refusing to talk to me, answer texts, or answer the phone. 

I guess I'm free now.  Last year was pretty brutal for me personally, and then (who I thought was) my best friend just said, "you are not worth another minute of my time."  It seems I am unlovable on that highest of levels.  People get what they want from me - physically and/or emotionally - and then they tap out. 

I'll live.  I'll cry for a bit and then try to forget about that kind of love, because I can't allow another person to shred me to pieces ever again.