I
printed out many of the photographs from vacation and put them in frames on the
wall. I actually took a space previously
devoted to photos of the children as babies and put up only beach pictures of
my children and I. (Yes, I put the other
baby pictures up somewhere else; I’m not a complete asshole.) What am I trying to prove with this
display? I’m not sure. But when I looked at it a minute ago, I got a
little freaked out, because earlier I lit a candle nearby it, and now it looks
like a fucking altar or something. Maybe
I have a problem.
Maybe
I’m the only one who is still guessing that I might have a problem. J
For the
one thousandth time, I don’t belong in this fucking cesspool called Nebraska,
but I’m not sure I belong in that cesspool called Los Angeles either. There are too many people there. And while I love those beach cities, it is
criminally insane of me not to acknowledge that L.A. has too many people and
that getting anywhere is a huge pain in the ass. Is it worth it?! I think it has to be. I think it has to be worth all the sacrifices
a person makes to be where they want to be at the end of the day. If I go to bed with an ocean view, I have
succeeded in achieving a personal goal.
Isn’t that what people do? Make
plans in life and then try to achieve them?
Some
people would disagree, and diversity of preference and ideology is what makes
America beautiful. Some people retreat
to the woods and camp it out; some people love the woods and streams and
fishing with their hands. Some people
go to the big city to see museums and walk all day to see the historical
sights. Some people go the islands of
Hawai’i and get transfixed by the crashing waves and midday rainbows. There are people who choose to live in the
frozen tundra of North Dakota, the desert wasteland of Oklahoma, the dense
woodlands of Vermont, and the packed cluster-fuck of Manhattan Island. They have all chosen a lifestyle, and I
really think that most of the people (adults, at least) who live here in Nebraska
have actively chosen this lifestyle. It
appeals to them on some level. Kudos to
them. Happiness is where we find it, so
if it’s in the midst of corn, so be it; but the like-mindedness of others seems
to me very important also, and I find people who are on my broadband channel
few and far between here.
Yesterday
I was open and honest with my family about my intention to find a new place to
be. It make take a year; it may take
three … but I can wait, because I deserve to be happy. And my happiness directly impacts theirs. Life can be good again, I know it.
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