So this is Christmas. What
have you done? Another year older. Another
just begun …
I have the following things:
·
a house in a safe, suburban neighborhood
·
food, clean water, and a war-free zone
·
an extended family who loves me
·
beautiful, intelligent children
·
a roaring fire in my fireplace
·
a new, $300 Bose Soundlink wireless ipod dock
with thousands of songs to choose from
·
a brand new Keurig coffee maker that rocks out
amazing brews at the push of a button
I do NOT have the following
things:
- · a healthy marriage
- · a partner to spend my days with
- · friends with whom to share my life
- · children who respect each other
- · a life-location which suits my needs
- · freedom to walk away from any of the above problems
And so, I wonder on this lovely
(and brutally cold) Christmas day, if this is as good as it gets. I wonder every day, all the time if I should
just suck it up and (like shitty medicine) take this life as it is, or if I
should bail. I really, honestly don’t
know. But I’m going to share a secret
with you: there’s only so much time in
this life, and spending it alone is pretty terrible. Being lonely and alone is deeply unsatisfying
and difficult. And I don’t know how to
fix it. Being with other people makes me
exhausted, because I always feel like they just want something from me. I want to have a friend who will come around
and just hold my hand and watch movies with me.
No talking. No expectations. And then maybe we can make some nachos or
something and go from there. I’m so sad
all the time, and I am fucking sick of it.
I don’t want to be sad – it’s tragic and boring and stupid. I should be above such common stupidity. And yet here I am … listening to Eddie Vedder
do something relevant (make music and change people’s lives) while I sit in my
chair in my basement talking to a computer screen.
How much difference does any of
this make? None? Because my life has stalled. Full stop.
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