The Selfish Model

                                                                                                     

Today, Ayn Rand told me (actually, a 15-year-old girl told me, via her speech about Ms. Rand) that being selfish is preferable, even necessary.  She said that altruism is dangerous for individuals, because when a person thinks of others before him- or herself, that person can’t reach full potential. 

At first, the idea seems ridiculous.  People (Americans, at least) are told all the time that they should be others-centered, because altruism makes the world a better place.  But the more I thought about what she was saying, the more I realized what I have done to myself over the course of many years.  Primarily, I have chosen my children’s needs over my own.  I have always thought that giving myself to them was a natural, necessary consequence of bringing other people into the world.  We set aside our own needs for the benefit of others. 

To a certain extent, I stand by that decision.  When children are young, they need undivided attention and nurturing.  But at some point, our children look to us for guidance; and what lesson am I teaching them when I have no life of my own anymore?  I have no friends to speak of, and I have no compelling hobbies to share with them.  Because, after all, they have become my “hobby”.  They are the thing to which I devote my time and energy.  I am not teaching them to pursue their passions, because I have set mine aside. 

Besides being a parent, my other passion is teaching.  While I often look out into a sea of apathy in my classroom, I do think I have made a difference in some lives along the way.  (I say that even though just yesterday, seven months into a semester together, one of my students said, “yeah, I just don’t see that I’ve learned anything in this class.”)  But if I am a teacher of writing, should I be a writer?  If I encourage my students to get out of their home state and attend college elsewhere, shouldn’t I, too, move on?  If I teach students the value and relevance of reading, shouldn’t I create something of value and import for others to read?  Can’t I be a teacher outside of the classroom?!

The only way for me to “advance” in my job is to get a degree in administration, and (I’ll be honest here) I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than be an administrator. 

Fostering personal interests is the only way for me to express my deeply-seeded belief that happiness is key.  I can’t tell my son to break up with the girlfriend he barely tolerates, when I can’t manage to shed a husband that I can’t tolerate at all.  What my children and my students see me do is the biggest lesson of all, and at that, I seem to failing.  Ayn would be appalled at my total lack of personal growth. 

I don’t write, because I can’t publish.  I stay at my job, because it’s comfortable (and because I’m poor and can’t afford to just quit).  I baby my children, because I love them unconditionally and I want them to be happy … BUT … they don’t need to be coddled – they need to be shown how to live without apology.  If my passion in life is to teach other people, then I need to start leading by example.  I can’t tell other people to jump out of their comfort zones if I’m not willing to. 

Too bad I’m going to work tomorrow, and I’m probably going to do my kids’ laundry and make them dinner and stay at home in case they need anything.  Not everyone can just uproot their lives and continent-jump from Russia to Hollywood, but I have to do something.  I don’t want to die in a Kafka-esque stupor.  (And I seem to be headed that direction…)