I have no idea why I keep posting on a blog which no one reads. My name is a lie on this blog, because THE MAN told me I have to keep up a certain persona. Keeping up a persona is pretty much what I do all the time. I have become so entrenched in being there for other people that I have forgotten who I am and what I want.
To be honest, I don't really want anything except love and respect, but those things seem hard to come by in life. I keep thinking about George Harrison singing, "here comes the sun", and while I can see the sun outside of my window right now, (it's blazing, unbearably hot), I just want the sunshine of positivity in life. I want to love and be loved. I want to show respect and be respected. I just want to share my life with someone who cares about me about a human being.
I'm going to go ahead and give up, because looking for these things in my life has proven fruitless. Happiness will find me or not, but I can't go on waiting for other people to do the right thing. In my experience, they don't.
The obvious answer is to love myself and have that be enough. But I don't love myself very often. Less each day, actually. Every single thing I do is like an exercise in futility. The more I try, the less other people try. Better to just be a recluse and go gently into that good night.
Nobody knows me.
Sunday, June 30, 2019
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
Lawyers, and Other Parasites
Amongst the dangers of being alive are parasitic creatures. As I sit here today, I can't help but think about all the people who leech things from me:
1. My ex-husband. Stealing my retirement, because he couldn't manage to put one fucking dollar aside during his entire life as a human being.
2. My divorce lawyer, who extorted roughly $8000 from me, just because the county court wouldn't accept my signed paperwork (obviously, in order to keep lawyers fed with them charging $60 fucking dollars every time they read an email). #JamesAdams
3. Telemarketers. Isn't there some sort of a fucking law that prevents companies from systematically harassing people on a daily basis??
4. Courts: Fuck everyone who says the state of Nebraska sides with women. No one sided with me, nor was I able to have my day in court.
5.
Yes, I just typed the number five and then stopped, because I don't want to be angry any more. I have a "boyfriend" who is too wrapped up in his own shit to be a proper partner; I have children with mental health needs, which I can't pay for, because the government makes health care totally unaffordable; I have a child who broke up with her abusive boyfriend only to lose most of what she had and another child who literally got robbed the other day and another child who is going to be robbed by the predatory university system and the federal government; I now have a mortgage payment which I cannot afford, because my children's father thinks I'm going to sell my house and profit (on a house which is literally falling apart), so he bartered away my retirement - via lawyers - so I can keep my house and have a place for my three children to live. (What in the actual fuck?)
I'm just tired of the bullshit, you know? Tired of having other people tell me what I can and cannot do, based on random, non-universal standards.
I have done my best to be a good person and to live a good life, but there will be a time in the immediate future where I can't afford to live in a house which I bought 23 years ago, but still owe $95000 on, because of a certain other person's stupidity, addiction, and selfishness.
Good times.
Life is exhausting.
1. My ex-husband. Stealing my retirement, because he couldn't manage to put one fucking dollar aside during his entire life as a human being.
2. My divorce lawyer, who extorted roughly $8000 from me, just because the county court wouldn't accept my signed paperwork (obviously, in order to keep lawyers fed with them charging $60 fucking dollars every time they read an email). #JamesAdams
3. Telemarketers. Isn't there some sort of a fucking law that prevents companies from systematically harassing people on a daily basis??
4. Courts: Fuck everyone who says the state of Nebraska sides with women. No one sided with me, nor was I able to have my day in court.
5.
Yes, I just typed the number five and then stopped, because I don't want to be angry any more. I have a "boyfriend" who is too wrapped up in his own shit to be a proper partner; I have children with mental health needs, which I can't pay for, because the government makes health care totally unaffordable; I have a child who broke up with her abusive boyfriend only to lose most of what she had and another child who literally got robbed the other day and another child who is going to be robbed by the predatory university system and the federal government; I now have a mortgage payment which I cannot afford, because my children's father thinks I'm going to sell my house and profit (on a house which is literally falling apart), so he bartered away my retirement - via lawyers - so I can keep my house and have a place for my three children to live. (What in the actual fuck?)
I'm just tired of the bullshit, you know? Tired of having other people tell me what I can and cannot do, based on random, non-universal standards.
I have done my best to be a good person and to live a good life, but there will be a time in the immediate future where I can't afford to live in a house which I bought 23 years ago, but still owe $95000 on, because of a certain other person's stupidity, addiction, and selfishness.
Good times.
Life is exhausting.
Tuesday, June 25, 2019
Robbery
Get used to it. You're going to be robbed, either intellectually, emotionally, financially, or sexually. If you are reading this and you haven't been robbed already, consider yourself lucky. (and perhaps delusional)
I don't want to sound like an alarmist, because not everyone is bad. There are some really good people in the world, but at some point, we all intersect with someone who wants something which is ours: time, material goods, love, attention, money ... Sometimes we are able to protect ourselves, but (often when our guard is down) sometimes people just take what they want and leave.
Rude.
Have I done it? Probably. I have never robbed someone by breaking into their home or sticking a weapon in their face, but I'm sure I've wanted more than someone wanted to give to me. We're all human.
But here's the thing: empathy is crucial to the survival of a civilized society.
Don't be a dick.
I don't want to sound like an alarmist, because not everyone is bad. There are some really good people in the world, but at some point, we all intersect with someone who wants something which is ours: time, material goods, love, attention, money ... Sometimes we are able to protect ourselves, but (often when our guard is down) sometimes people just take what they want and leave.
Rude.
Have I done it? Probably. I have never robbed someone by breaking into their home or sticking a weapon in their face, but I'm sure I've wanted more than someone wanted to give to me. We're all human.
But here's the thing: empathy is crucial to the survival of a civilized society.
Don't be a dick.
Thursday, June 20, 2019
Daughters
(for my girls)
If I could write the words which are the notes to the song Daughters by John Mayer I would do it (the sound is peaceful and a charming). And then he says, "I know a girl; she puts the color inside of my world. She's just like a maze, where all of the walls continually change".
John pretty much sums up how I feel about my daughters. I don't know what or who I'd be without them. They reinforce me and inspire me and challenge me and make me a better person. I honestly can't imagine what my life would be like without my girls. They have caused me grief and pain, but - on balance - their good hearts keep me alive. They are fierce, both of them. In totally different ways.
I wonder if I parented them right. If what I see on a daily means anything, I'd say they are two of the best people I've ever met. One's on a bender and one's on a mission. (Currently.)
I want nothing but good for them, and when I hear that they have to encounter the trials and tribulations of being alive, I want to go into mama-bear mode. But we have to let the people we created be the people they are. I can't be with them all the time physically, but I have their back on a soul-level every single day.
"Fathers be good to your daughters, because they will turn into lovers who turn into mothers."
If I could write the words which are the notes to the song Daughters by John Mayer I would do it (the sound is peaceful and a charming). And then he says, "I know a girl; she puts the color inside of my world. She's just like a maze, where all of the walls continually change".
John pretty much sums up how I feel about my daughters. I don't know what or who I'd be without them. They reinforce me and inspire me and challenge me and make me a better person. I honestly can't imagine what my life would be like without my girls. They have caused me grief and pain, but - on balance - their good hearts keep me alive. They are fierce, both of them. In totally different ways.
I wonder if I parented them right. If what I see on a daily means anything, I'd say they are two of the best people I've ever met. One's on a bender and one's on a mission. (Currently.)
I want nothing but good for them, and when I hear that they have to encounter the trials and tribulations of being alive, I want to go into mama-bear mode. But we have to let the people we created be the people they are. I can't be with them all the time physically, but I have their back on a soul-level every single day.
"Fathers be good to your daughters, because they will turn into lovers who turn into mothers."
Sunday, June 16, 2019
Papillion Days
Papillion Days, am I right?
If you're from where I'm from, you know the spectacular display of people who gather at City Park. Every possible version of people. (Which is why some introverts stay away from places like this, because of all those hundreds of people, they know many of them and don't want to have to put on a face to talk to those other people in a superficial, suburban, "my-kid-knows-your-kid", "I taught your kid", "apparently, you're my neighbor (oops!)" sort of way, and inter-personal drive-bys are suddenly, directly in your face.)
Music and mosquitoes. Loud noises and off-the leash pre-teen nuisances. Extortion-level cost to ride and exhausting pressure to pay the extortion.
All in all, good times, right Papio?
(To be fair, I did see a bunch of extraordinarily cool planes that (I think) the air force base was trying to show off. I don't see a bunch of fighter planes in formation very often.)
If you're from where I'm from, you know the spectacular display of people who gather at City Park. Every possible version of people. (Which is why some introverts stay away from places like this, because of all those hundreds of people, they know many of them and don't want to have to put on a face to talk to those other people in a superficial, suburban, "my-kid-knows-your-kid", "I taught your kid", "apparently, you're my neighbor (oops!)" sort of way, and inter-personal drive-bys are suddenly, directly in your face.)
Music and mosquitoes. Loud noises and off-the leash pre-teen nuisances. Extortion-level cost to ride and exhausting pressure to pay the extortion.
All in all, good times, right Papio?
(To be fair, I did see a bunch of extraordinarily cool planes that (I think) the air force base was trying to show off. I don't see a bunch of fighter planes in formation very often.)
Hitchhiking, In a Galaxy
I want to go for a long walk with Douglas McAdams - just him and me - with a bottle of wine and no glasses.
When I first read Slaughterhouse Five, I got to the end and then started again at page one. I think Douglas McAdams read Vonnegut and then got an idea to make Vonnegut's idea of life - smashing with science fiction - more specific and (definitely) weirder. This guy is a true and proper nerd, in all the great ways. Hyper-intellectually making up words so the reader has to pay attention differently.
I'm reading Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy again right now, for whatever reason, and the parallels between what Vonnegut was saying and what McAdams was saying, and what is happening RIGHT NOW are just dead-on. (Actually, that's not a great statement about humanity in general, but whatever.)
So anyway, Douglas and I are hanging out (me reading his book), and I'm also listening to Christopher Hitchens talk about George Orwell while reading Hitchens' book Why Orwell Matters.
Here's what I'm thinking:
Since the dawn of modern civilization ... humans started fucking things up.
When I first read Slaughterhouse Five, I got to the end and then started again at page one. I think Douglas McAdams read Vonnegut and then got an idea to make Vonnegut's idea of life - smashing with science fiction - more specific and (definitely) weirder. This guy is a true and proper nerd, in all the great ways. Hyper-intellectually making up words so the reader has to pay attention differently.
I'm reading Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy again right now, for whatever reason, and the parallels between what Vonnegut was saying and what McAdams was saying, and what is happening RIGHT NOW are just dead-on. (Actually, that's not a great statement about humanity in general, but whatever.)
So anyway, Douglas and I are hanging out (me reading his book), and I'm also listening to Christopher Hitchens talk about George Orwell while reading Hitchens' book Why Orwell Matters.
Here's what I'm thinking:
Since the dawn of modern civilization ... humans started fucking things up.
- people often don't know where they belong
- people often forcibly tell others that they don't belong
- people can see things happen
- people often choose a version of what they are seeing
- People often hear words
- People very often don't listen
My favorite writers are those who tell me a story that I believe and which adds something important to the conversation about humanity and culture and social ideology.
Vonnegut wrote about hitchhiking in a galaxy called Vietnam and PTSD ...
McAdams wrote about hitchhiking in a galaxy called Existential Angst and Peace ...
Orwell wrote about hitchhiking in a galaxy called Social Injustice and Fear ...
Hitchens wrote about hitchhiking in a galaxy called Ideology and Communication ...
If you don't think for yourself, other people will think for you. I know that sounds easier on some level, but don't drink their Kool-Aid. The only things that makes people semi-unique is that they can choose how to think and act. Humanity is doomed to (accelerated) extinction if individual people stop thinking.
As Christopher Hitchens wrote, "an old radical adage states that 'the will to command is not as corrupting as the will to obey'." Amen, brother. Obedience is what we should want from a dog (and even then, leave the fucking dog alone).
Think. Step out of your head. Now do it again. (simple civics advice)
lift
Directions: to lift something, you simply pick it up.
Now, just do it .
Look in the mirror.
Don't hate what you see.
Try to remember who you are.
Try to smile at yourself.
Don't overthink the things you have already thought about too much.
Just breathe, and do something.
Get lifted. Lift yourself.
Go for a walk.
Read a book.
Grow something.
Listen to music.
And do something you're passionate about.
Something you care about enough that it helps you step into the light.
Darkness is beautiful, but solitude can be a fast river to an unexpected cliff.
Find the best part of you, in any given moment, and celebrate it.
Pay attention.
Listen to yourself; you know what to do.
Now, just do it .
Look in the mirror.
Don't hate what you see.
Try to remember who you are.
Try to smile at yourself.
Don't overthink the things you have already thought about too much.
Just breathe, and do something.
Get lifted. Lift yourself.
Go for a walk.
Read a book.
Grow something.
Listen to music.
And do something you're passionate about.
Something you care about enough that it helps you step into the light.
Darkness is beautiful, but solitude can be a fast river to an unexpected cliff.
Find the best part of you, in any given moment, and celebrate it.
Pay attention.
Listen to yourself; you know what to do.
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