I have no idea why I keep posting on a blog which no one reads. My name is a lie on this blog, because THE MAN told me I have to keep up a certain persona. Keeping up a persona is pretty much what I do all the time. I have become so entrenched in being there for other people that I have forgotten who I am and what I want.
To be honest, I don't really want anything except love and respect, but those things seem hard to come by in life. I keep thinking about George Harrison singing, "here comes the sun", and while I can see the sun outside of my window right now, (it's blazing, unbearably hot), I just want the sunshine of positivity in life. I want to love and be loved. I want to show respect and be respected. I just want to share my life with someone who cares about me about a human being.
I'm going to go ahead and give up, because looking for these things in my life has proven fruitless. Happiness will find me or not, but I can't go on waiting for other people to do the right thing. In my experience, they don't.
The obvious answer is to love myself and have that be enough. But I don't love myself very often. Less each day, actually. Every single thing I do is like an exercise in futility. The more I try, the less other people try. Better to just be a recluse and go gently into that good night.
Nobody knows me.
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