How Did I Get So Old?

I’m thinking (shocking, I know) that I want a refund.  Not a refund, actually, but a trade-in.  You know how cell phone companies make you sign a two-year contract and then let you trade in for a new phone every two years?  That’s what I’m talking about.  My 40+ year old body isn’t cutting it anymore.  I’ve dragged this body through too many car accidents and overdoses and stress-traumas, and I’m ready for a new one.  Sort of like reincarnation, but without starting over as a tree or whatever. 

Actually, maybe completely restarting wouldn’t be so bad.  Let me propose a “conditional” restart:  I get a new, rejuvenated body, & any anxiety- or stress-inducing memories get flushed.  (I’m quite aware that eliminating “bad” memories might backfire in terms of personal growth, but whatever.)  I’d just like to get rid of all drooping, skin spots, clogged arteries, gray hair, and deeply imbedded wrinkles.   And animosity – how refreshing would it be not to begrudge people or want to rip their face off because of past grievances?? 

I’m just really sick of looking in the mirror.  (I thought of qualifying that last sentence with reasons why I hate looking in the mirror, but they all seem egregious.)  I want the young version of myself coupled with my older-person personal insight, minus the anger.  In truth, I think the anger and stress are to blame for that bitch staring back at me in the mirror.  Those things take a terrible toll on a body.

Sigh.  Shit.   I guess I’m stuck with this falling-apart version of myself.  The mirror doesn’t lie, but it also doesn’t tell the entire truth.  What all those ugly age spots on my face don’t show is all the beautiful, sunny days I spent drinking in sun.  I wouldn’t replace those with anything else, because while the sun may damage my skin, it definitely improves my attitude.  It feels good.  Just like working out or drinking mimosas or snuggling with someone you love feels good.  Feeling good doesn’t suck; I just happen to be really (unfortunately) good at making myself feel like shit. 

New plan:  burqa.