Everything in life is a trade-off. We should. We could. We might. If this, then that.
Once in a great while, it's possible to just say 'fuck it' and do whatever you want, but most of the time, life is a game of wanting to do one thing, but having to do a dozen other things just to make the one thing happen. Why? We work our asses off to take a week of vacation, but what's the point? Shouldn't the general idea be that we live our lives in such a way that we don't need a vacation from the environment which we have so systematically built? It just seems farcical that people have to live for some thing other than that in which we bathe every day. If we choose to bathe in shit, that shithole will most certainly be exactly where we left it when we return from holiday. Every day is exactly what we choose to make it. I might fight that concept every day, and try to claim it's not true, but ... every day I choose whether to get up, go to work, work out, eat, drink ... everything is a choice. Some choices are harder than others (which is why I don't make them), but that doesn't mean that I can blame other people for anything about my life's minutes and hours and days.
I live in a free country. I won't get stoned to death for leaving my husband. I won't be burned at the stake for not believing in a certain god. I can drive my car wherever I want, whenever I want. I can vote without shielding my face or dodging bullets.
And yet ...
I know there's a better place (in a non-geographical, existential sort of way) than the place I'm living. I just want to know how far away it is. And I'd like to know how much of the present is mine to keep. And how deep it is. And how wide. If I could tell ... well, I'd know whether to jump or not. Take the leap of faith? Or stand my ground? To breathe? To care? Fuck, I don't know. All I know is that I am what I am because I have made choices that contribute to the being I've become. And I don't want to stop becoming quite yet. I'm not finished. I can do better.
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