I suppose since my last entry was a Top 10 list, this one
should be too …
Top 10 Reasons NOT to Own a Home…
1.
Disintegration: This category actually applies to ALL reasons
not to own a home, but I’m putting it here because today I was trying to
rebuild my deck, piece-by-piece. I can’t
afford a new deck, so I am buying pieces of wood and replacing the most rotten
parts of the deck. Jesus H. 20+ years of rain and weather will really
fuck up wood, let me tell you. The only
good part of the “restoration” process today was my neighbor’s reaction to my
profuse and extended swearing in the back yard.
2.
Water: I’m
talking about pipes and whatnot here. I
don’t have a usable dishwasher, because the pipes are … I don’t know, fucked
up? All I know is that when I use it
(the last time was like five years ago), the gross water backs up into the
dishwasher, making all the dishes worse than they were before. Plus, when I put food down my GARBAGE
DISPOSAL (the name should say it all here), my basement backs up with
kitchen-food water. What the hell?! I DO NOT want to think about where my water
comes from or where it goes. I simply
want it to work.
3.
Electricity:
Another thing I DO NOT want to think about the logistics of. But when plugging 21st Century
technology into 20th Century jerry-rigged outlets, shit goes bad. Like electrical-fire bad. Again, I have better things to do than wonder
if the house is going to burn down just because someone’s iphone charger is
plugged in.
4.
Trees: I
love them, don’t get me wrong, but those motherfuckers are messy, and no one
ever helps me clean up the 18 tons of shit that drops from them in spring and
fall.
5.
Snow:
Again, love it. Until I have to
shovel mounds of it off my driveway, all the time vaguely wondering if I will
have one of those snow-shoveling-induced heart attacks I read about every
winter.
6.
Dust: Old
houses settle – ALL THE TIME. So there
is dust coming from every place all the time.
It mocks me. (Just kidding, it
doesn’t mock me; I’m not psychotic.) But
seriously, it’s like one of the biblical plagues.
7.
Windows & Doors: Aren’t they lovely? You can gaze out them and enter and exit
through them. Oh yeah, and when your
house is a million years old, the wind just blows right through them. Honestly, there is a stiff wind coming
through my kitchen door on any given day.
8.
Other people:
If you are lucky enough to own a home on your own, I am very
jealous. Since a person’s home is
essentially a reflection of them, the other people who mess it up all the time
kind of suck. I don’t want people coming
in and seeing dirty socks on the couch and stray cheese slices on the ottoman,
so I have to clean all that shit up.
9.
Carpets:
Don’t even get me started on how gross a carpet is after 10+ years.
10.
And finally, ghosts. (I’m just kidding, I think we ran them all
out with loud noises and stray cheese smells…)
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