10 Things I Learned in College

                                                                                                                 

1.        Being accepted to a university in no way indicates readiness for adulthood, nor does it reflect a person’s intelligence or capacity for learning.  As a matter of fact, some of the dumbest, most ridiculous people I’ve ever met attended university. 

2.       The one class every university OUGHT to offer is not on the schedule of courses:  Substances 101.  In this course, students would learn what to do with a wasted roommate/friend (whether to just roll them on their side so they don’t aspirate on their own vomit, or whether a trip to the ER is necessary), how to decide if the drugs someone just handed you are “safe”, what to do when those “safe” drugs make you start hallucinating or losing consciousness, and why you should never be friends with a person who huffs things.

3.       Every night of drinking is a potential date rape night. 

4.       Once you fall below the qualifications for cum laude, a GPA is just a number, and will have very little bearing on anything, ever.

5.       If you manage to graduate college, people who did NOT get a college degree, will always downplay the importance of college – often referring to it as “unnecessary” to real life.  These people are just jealous.  (Or, they might be right, depending on how much money they make.)

6.       Once you obtain a college degree and put it to use, you will learn more in the first year POST-college than you did in the 4-5 years you spent getting a Bachelor’s Degree.

7.       Living with strangers in a dorm room is among the most invasive things a person could ever do.  That stranger will leave their shit lying around, or steal your shit, or leave dishes covered in baked-on shit in the kitchen for weeks on end, or leave literal shit in the toilet that you have to flush before you can use it.

8.       Fully 75% of the classes I paid for in college taught me nothing and were in no way necessary in regards to my chosen profession.

9.       College graduations are slightly more annoying than waiting in line at the DMV for four hours.

10.   Mortgaging your future is part of the College Dream, but if your major is humanities, get ready for a string of long, disappointing jobs making coffee.  Maybe just get a library card and save your time and money.