Amy Poehler

"Your brain is not your friend when you need to apologize.  Your brain and your ego and your intellect all remind you of "facts" (Amy Poehler).

Yes, I am sometimes guilty of not paying attention and being self-absorbed and insensitive, but who isn't?  I should more on top of what I am saying, but shouldn't other people take responsibility for what they "think" they hear, versus what is actually said?!

And even though my brain is shouting some things loud and clear, my heart quietly tells a different story.  "Shame is difficult.  It's a weapon and a signal.  It can paralyze or motivate" (Poehler).

Take, for example, DIVORCE.  (I have to capitalize it, because it's apparently the worst thing ever, unless you're actually in need of one.)  Again. to steal from Amy Poehler, "you aren't allowed to feel special, but no one understands the specific ways you are in pain.  Imagine spreading everything you care about on a blanket and then tossing the whole thing up in the air.  The process of divorce is about loading up that blanket, throwing it up, watching it all spin, and worrying what stuff will break when it lands."

What I worry about breaking is my children.

I can't talk to the very people who divorce will hurt most, because they don't like "feeling" words.  They get all weird and either tell me to stop talking about it or they go into a different room.

I can't possibly be alone in this conundrum.  I want to consult the major players in my life, but they all want to just shove their fingers in their ears and hum a tune.  (Not the Divorce Tune, as it turns out.)

Painful experiences make us see things differently, but I would very much like to see my painful experiences in the PAST TENSE.  But when everyone is actively fighting against change, being the "bad guy" is very difficult.  I just wish they could see the positive net balance on such a change; happiness spreads, and if your parent is in near-constant misery, the feeling spreads (and ultimately infects everyone).

I'm sure anyone who listens to me is sick to death of hearing me complain, but all I'm doing is trying to talk myself into making a decision which everyone will hate initially.  Being the only person in the family who can make decisions is fucking exhausting, let me tell you.  I thought that one of the benefits of marriage was supposed to be teamwork.  I don't want to be Stalin, but when no one ever does anything, someone has to step up and make the rough decisions (which, unfortunately, affect everyone).  

I will be the Pol Pot in the DIVORCE situation, if what that means is that I am the intellectual who us trying to start from Year Zero.  I'd like a reboot.