What do apathy and parenthood have in common? Probably nothing most people would relate to, but I deeply believe that I could be the oracle of dysfunctional parent advice.
I couldn’t give a shit less about most of the things which occur in the external lives of my children. Let me qualify: 1) I love spending time with them. Subpoint a) I detest elementary school Bingo Night, Carnival Bullshit Night, and Hoedown (I swear it’s a thing). I would rather gouge my eye out with a spoon.
I CARE about their shared internal lives… snuggling, discussing current events, talking about the important things in life, and eating meals (usually at restaurants, as I am a terrible cook) with them.
By the time the third child rolls around, people (or maybe it’s just me) don’t do the following things: 1) document every cute thing they do on video, 2) take pictures of every semi-relevant occasion, 3) force them to read books far above their lexile level, and 4) fill a baby book of stupid information concerning childhood illnesses and other incidental bullshit.
Does this make me a bad person? Maybe. Does it make me a realist? Absolutely. I don’t give a shit any more about the milestones. Playing in the school band in 5th grade was cute the first time, tolerable the second time, and will be absolute torture, the third time. Unless you happen to be a tiger-mom, your kid probably sucks at his or her instrument, as do the other 30 kids enrolled in band.
Once again, so there is no confusion: I love my children without a doubt. I would take a bullet for any one of them, so why is it that I want to fill my car with the necessary accoutrements and drive to California in order to sleep on the beach and be a hobo by myself?
Could someone please tell me the SECRET? Because I’m pretty sure I missed that part of the life lesson when it was taught to me. I went to a Catholic elementary school, so I may have missed out on the pertinent life lessons. The way I see it, there are only a few, simple rules to pass on to one’s children:
- · Don’t lie. If you do, you’re an asshole, and people will never trust you again.
- · You don’t need to dress like a hooker for boys to like you. Honestly, you could wear a burka and guys would be interested.
- · Girls are unstable. Deal with it. Find a plan. Make it work for (and not against) you.
- · Who you are in high school really doesn’t matter. The way you choose to life your life matters much more.
- Y Your GPA is a number. You are not a number.
- · Live every day likes it means something. I keep forgetting to do this, and bad things ensue. You (literally) are every single moment in your life. You are a story which is told in fragments.
- · Love is a life shared. The person who is the one for you is the person who knows you better than you know yourself -When you’re being an asshole, they make excuses for you. Not because they know you are right, but because they fell compelled to make you a better version of yourself, even if you’re wrong.
- · Play outside. A lot. Get dirty and build things with no purpose and swing so high it makes you sick and pick up bugs from the backyard and read books with tremendous adventures and listen to music that makes you dance around.
- · Make friends who inspire you to be something better than you imagined for yourself.
- · Don’t let people tell you who you are or what you want. They don’t know shit.
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