One of the basic conundrums of deciding to get married and have a family is the acceptance of a loss of privacy. Once a person gets married, he or she is one of a pair or people; total independence is gone. There are, of course, many benefits to choosing a life partner and sharing all the ups and downs of life with someone who complements you. Children, also, are such overwhelmingly amazing illustrations of one’s self that they add something indescribably powerful to the quality of life.
But the central fact that one loses his or her privacy when making a family is unarguable. Solitude becomes something to hoard whenever it presents itself (because it’s so rare), and individual expression of idiosyncratic behaviors and personal habits and/or hobbies simply tends to go away over time. Unfortunately, much is lost in this life-altering transaction, because people have a lot to offer others (and society in general), but once they commit to being married and raising other human beings, spontaneity and personal expression tend to be chucked out the window in favor of cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, working, worrying, and wondering what happened.
Once we get these children to the point of launch (graduation from high school and potential entrance into either college or the “real world”), they want to leave - to get away from their family and “”find themselves elsewhere. I get it. Really. I wanted the same thing. But there is something quite compelling and nurturing about a family unit. They are reflected in each other – both good and bad. And because we can see our own personal traits in those we love (but sometimes want to beat the shit out of), there is the potential for tremendous personal growth if everyone stayed “together.” –Ish.
Wouldn’t it be cool if families stayed together in community-type housing? An immediate family, for example, could have a complex of homes which all interconnected to give everyone the space they will (eventually) require. Of course, when the kids are young and cute and toddling about, there is no real need for such division, but as the kids get older, everyone (parents and kids alike) need to get away from each other occasionally. Most of the time, the kids take off and go to a friend’s house, but what if they could just go to their own apartment? (to which the parents have a key, of course) Wouldn’t everyone like each other just a little bit more?
People will obviously argue that a terrible and unalterable separation might occur, but I call bullshit on that point. I think that if people were given the ability to DECIDE when they spent time together, that time would be much more productive and happy. I mean, friends get that option, so why not family? People could then engage with each other on their own terms rather than feeling claustrophobic all the time.
Of course, all this requires more money than any average person has, so it’s all just a stupid, impervious theory. As much as I want to be able to know my children as adults and have them hang around and live with me (at a nice distance, of course), they will all just leave. I will miss all the nuances of their behavior, because they will be sharing themselves with another group of people whom they have chosen on their own. Families are just temporary. We try so hard to create a home, but in the end, they all leave and we are left to survey what’s left and wonder how to fill the gaping void each of them has left. Holiday and weekend visits will be all that’s left of the people who once breathed our same air and gathered together to eat, argue, snuggle, sleep, play, cry, and celebrate.
The transitory nature of relationships, even those which are closest to us might be the hardest part of living. Even when we find people we love and for whom we would lay down our lives, we often eventually grow in different directions, so day-to-day life becomes a trial to find those things which brought us together in the first place and revisit them to recreate an environment which fosters happiness. With children, maybe those things which brought us together were merely a child’s need for food, shelter, and protection. Maybe there isn’t a pressing need to stay with those who brought us life, because they were merely vehicles. Possibly, my children will stay with me only until they can be free of me. Perhaps that’s how it’s supposed to be, but I can’t help but wish we could all be adults together – to share more than the “pre-life” routine. I don’t want to be an annual visit on someone’s calendar. I think I’d prefer to just fade out entirely rather than watch their lives from a distance.
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