Betrayal and Physical Larceny

                What the hell is going on with my body?  How did I get so old and pudgy and SOFT?!  What a crock of shit.  I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point my body started to betray me and do things which I am not on board with.  I never condoned this slow disintegration of tissue.  Yes, I may have spent roughly a thousand hours of my life absorbing sun because it feels great, but the sun spots and wrinkles and general spitefulness seems to have snuck up on me quickly and recently.  I look in the mirror and I am looking at the fucking Crypt-Keeper.  Even that Crypt-reference dates me and makes me old, because people who are young have never seen that show.  I am a fossil.

                And then there’s the soft-factor.  I work out all the fucking time.  Every day, to be exact, but it doesn’t seem to make any difference.  I still … wobble.  I want to puke.  I need a personal trainer, someone who will kick my ass every single day and force me to get off my ass.  I need to stop working at a job which allows me to sit on my ass all day, and do something where I am MOVING all day.  So … a new career.  Actually, I don’t even want a new career; I want a job.   Or just a hobby, like surfing.  Moving.  Being active rather than just being intellectual all the time.  I’m ready to fork over the hyper-intellectualism for some basic, primal, happy spontaneity. 

                But here’s the thing about being “healthy”:  I like to eat!  I like food!  So what’s a girl to do?  I don’t want to eat gritty, simple, low-calorie food to lose weight.  I want to eat what I want when I want it.  Period.  And I don’t even eat badly!  But since I’m old, my body has decided that no matter what I do or how I eat, I’m going to be soft around the edges.  So I may as well eat popcorn, inhale diet Dr Pepper, snack on candy, and drink caloric white wine.  What’s the point of trying to count calories when your body does whatever the fuck it wants any way? 

                Getting older sucks.  Yes, I am wiser.  Yes, I am a better person than I ever was when I was younger.  But the trade is bullshit.  At the very time when I am ready to be the best person I can be in life, I am tired, chunky, irritated, and distracted – all of which is due to my body and brain betraying me.  I want to know who’s in charge, because I want to file a complaint.