In Theory ...

In theory – in the abstract – I know that the following statements should be implemented in life:

·         Live every day as if it is your last.

·         Share the love.  Do unto others.  The Golden Rule. 

·         Find the humor in life and be happy.

·         Don’t sweat the small stuff.

In reality, life doesn’t present in such a conveniently packaged axiom. 

Sometimes, I want to punch someone’s face in.  (Usually my husband, to be honest.)

Sometimes, the hate overcomes the love.  I don’t want it to, but the distaste of mankind seeps in, and I look around and think, “why are these people so stupid?  Why don’t people use their brains?  Why are people so shitty and petty and self-absorbed?”

Sometimes, it’s just not funny.   I have a sense of humor; I get it.  But sometimes small talk makes me want to projectile vomit on other people.  It’s not cute or endearing; it just means you have nothing important to say. 

Sometimes, the small stuff pisses me off so much that I can’t just ignore it.  It’s actually the small stuff that compounds to the point that I just want to swerve into oncoming traffic. 

I want to be able to just smile and let it go.  What is that asinine catchphrase?  “Let go and let god?”  I can’t.  First, because of that whole god thing.  And second, because if I let go, no one else will do the things which need to be done.  Shit will fall apart if I let go.  I’m like that one person everyone depends on to do the group project, except the group project is my life.  Everyone else gets to dick around and have fun and play, but I have to be the one who keeps it all together – writes the dates down, makes appointments, coordinates the schedules, gets the work benefits, chauffeurs people around, acts as therapist/counselor for all the people around me. 

I need a Buddhist monk to knock on my door and teach me the finer points of wisdom and tolerance and peacefulness and zen (and possibly how to self-immolate painlessly).  I can read the books; I can hear the mantras … but they’re just words. 

Here’s the thing:  I know what I require, but I can’t do it right now.  I need to stop what I’m doing and hit RESET.  I need to graduate.  I’m done – tapped out.  I cannot give what I do not have.  But how am I supposed to get renewal when I have no choice but to do everything, all the time?  I can’t.

Such an unpopular admission from someone is supposed to selflessly give unto others both at work and at home.

So… I’ll just keep plugging along until I can’t plug along anymore.  Hopefully the life insurance will kick in.